CLARITY

Coming out of paramedic school, I was unwittingly handicapped by two unfortunate notions; #1-I knew everything and, #2-I really could save them all. #2 rather depends on #1, and #1 is always the first to go. I have a very clear memory of the day both notions died, and it remains one of the most transformative days in my career, if not my life.

Less than six months had passed since graduation to this beautiful, sunny autumn day when we were dispatched to a medical alarm activation. Well over 90% of this type of call results from an accidental activation, so it is fair to say that even exuberance of youth could not help me find much urgency. My partner and I approached the scene with local first responders in front of us. As we turned down the long driveway to the reported address, the dispatcher calls to tell us that infant CPR is in progress at that location.

Oh, there's my urgency. And my stomach.

Let me stop here for a moment to say that this would not be my first time doing CPR on a baby and, I'm sad to say, would not be my last. But this would be the first time I was the only paramedic.

I leapt from the ambulance and ran for the front door, passing the first responders in their church clothes gathering equipment from their truck. Bursting through the door, I saw something I would not realize the sadness of for many years. A man of about 30 performing CPR, incorrectly I would add, on his lifeless baby boy. From the baby's dusky torso ran wires to a monitoring device which connected to a help center very much like the medical alert buttons we've all seen on TV. This one; however, was not for an aging grandmother trying to keep her independence, but for a six week old baby at risk for SIDS. I asked the father what happened while scooping his child from the table in a single fluid motion and carried him like a football towards the ambulance. I passed the first responders standing on the porch holding I believe every bag, case and gadget from their truck. Without breaking stride, I yelled at one of them to come drive and bounded into the back of the
ambulance where my partner was waiting.

All the specifics escape me of that trip to the hospital except the sun streaming in the windows of the truck to illuminate the absolute horror in front of me.

The hospital staff worked as diligently and unfortunately, as vainly as we had, and it was done. A few minutes later I was sitting on the bumper of my truck trying to organize the thoughts in my head to put on the run report when I heard the ER doors being knocked off the hinges from the inside by the father of the now deceased infant. His anger, certainly misdirected, was justified and sought only a target. Being the 22 year old kid who had held his child for the last time made me the natural choice, and even through the arrogance of youth I saw that. In the moments between the unhinging and a superbly executed tackle by hospital security, I found clarity.

Webster's defines clarity as "the quality or state of being clear", and everyone seeks clarity in their own fashion. Many find clarity of purpose through intense self-purification, while others look for God through the 'clarity' given them by
mind-altering drugs. Conversely, those in the grip of addiction may find their way out through lucid periods often referred to as moments of clarity.

My own clarity came from knowing I was about to take a punch meant for Death himself, and knowing that the man I was only an hour before would have hit back. There is really no way to quantify how much I grew in that awful spin of the clock, but it was enough to know that whatever was about to happen, it wasn't about me at all.

This moment of clarity allowed me to let go of the aforementioned ideas and find two new ones which I carry with me still today. #1-the majority of learning lies in front of me rather than behind, and 2- in terms of saving lives, the L's will always outnumber the W's. Sometimes people just die and, at particularly grisly times, they are babies and it is my job not to interrupt or intervene but to learn and grow and, sometimes, to take it on the chin. Since that day I have held quite a few babies in the moments preceding and following their deaths, and I'm continually amazed how well I remember a face I only saw once for an hour.

American businessman Thomas Leonard said "Clarity affords focus", and I believe it is our job to focus not on the loss, but the wisdom gained from understanding your place in the natural order.

Then, all will be clear.

Do good things with the week to come, learn something new and be safe.